I'm sure some may think I tortured myself the past week or so, walking through my Mom's final days once again. But, it has been very cathartic. I appreciate the comments and I agree with those posting. Yesterday for instance, one person said how very heartbreaking my goodbye was to my mother and I agree 100%. Another person said how very beautiful my goodbye was and again, I agree 100%. Bittersweet and surreal. Walking back through it all, I realize I wouldn't change a thing. How fortunate I am not to have any regrets about those last days. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people lose loved ones in the blink of an eye, never getting the chance to say I love you, thank you, or you were the best. I did. And that makes me smile and brings me much comfort even today, one year later.
I realize now, having lost someone so close to me, how much I didn't understand about the loss of a friend, child, parent or any other loved one. I choose my words so much more wisely when someone tells me of a death in their family. I also realize, sometimes there are no words. Sometimes it is better to just cry the tears, hold the hands, sit in silence. Just be.
Speaking of just being, I have turned within in the past couple weeks. I am well, though many around me may think that I am falling apart. I have asked for space from friends that I previously talked to almost every day and appreciate that it has been given to me. Am I sad? Yes. But I also see the beauty of all of this. I have enjoyed the silence and reflection and will probably do a lot more of it, now that I know I can. Busyness and chaos is for the birds!
I wanted to post the memorial video from Mom's celebration of life service that my sister Mika put together, but she was unable to upload it to Youtube because of the length. So, I have shared it here on Lanie J. and Co.'s facebook page. I hope you will visit and watch it for a few minutes. It really shows who she was and how much she was loved. I will always cry when I watch it. I will forever miss and love her.
I also wanted to share again, this video that I posted on Mother's Day. It perfectly describes my life with my Mom and how I feel her close to me still. I know in my heart she is in a beautiful place, smiling down on all of us.
…and the mother grew old.
But her children were tall and strong.
And they walked with courage.
And when the way was rough, they lifted her
For she was as light as a feather.
And at last, they came to a hill
And beyond they could see a shining road.
And the golden gates were flung wide open.
And the mother said,
“I have reached the end of my journey,
and I know the end is better than the beginning.
For my children can walk alone,
and their children after them.
And the children said, “You will always be with us mother,
even when you have gone through the gates.”
And they stood and they watched her as she went on alone.
And the gates closed after her.
And they said,
“We cannot see her, but she is with us still.
A mother like ours is more than a memory,
she is a living presence.”
(from the video)