Monday Musings... Just what is it I am striving for?

I thought about apologizing for this post up front, but really, there is no need. I am going to share some deep thoughts that have been on my mind through the past couple of weeks.

I believe something very profound happens within us when someone very close to us dies. For me, it has caused me to examine the way I live my life a little more closely. Just what is it I am striving for? For a long while, it has been perfectionism, acceptance, admiration. But lately... lately, I just want peace and love. Peace and love for myself and those around me. For my husband, my daughters, my Dad, my sister and all my other family members as well as my sweet friends.

See that little quote I put in the header of my blog? Those are my words... "Using God Given Talent to Create a Life Imagined". I still don't feel as if I am really doing that. I am in search of something elusive at the moment. What is my talent really? My soul yearns for something more. It is not like I am not satisfied with my life in general. In general, it is truely blessed. I have a hardworking husband that provides for our family so that I can stay home and be here for our children. I have beautiful daughters who fill my life with love and light.

I had a dream as a child and held it into my teen years. Somewhere along the way I lost it. I thought I wasn't good enough. I wanted to be an artist. We all know I love to create, but I feel like what I am creating at the moment is superficial and not from my heart. I don't know how I lost the dream. Maybe I didn't get enough positive reinforcement or somewhere along the way I just gave up. Since I lost Mom, I realize I want to return to the dream some 20 years later, but am unsure how. Fear grips me and I wonder if I have the courage. I watch my 7 year old create with wild abandon, not caring what others think and I encourage her everyday to continue on, for I know it feeds her soul. I know what it is like to lose that and I don't want her to do the same. She inspires me to step out and try and she has no idea that she does this. She is amazing.

Lately I have been very attracted to mixed media paintings. My love for paper and mod podge is longing to be combined with a little bit of paint and lettering on canvas or wood. I am sure this is God whispering to my soul and I have much to share. Still unsure how to proceed, but hopefully the block will move soon or I will have the strength and courage with God's help to move it myself and push forward.