Regrets...

Source

"I think my painting days are over." she said, holding my hand.

The words were not strong as her body was ailing. Looking back, it was only two days before she passed. Yes, I'm writing about Mom again.

I feel I must ask forgiveness that I am writing about this yet again, but seeing as how this past Saturday was what would have been her 66th birthday and we are approaching the date that will mark 5 years since her passing, she is heavy on my mind.

For several weeks I have not been feeling exactly up to par. I have had some dull pains that match the symptoms of my worst fear. Once the kiddos were back in school, I decided to finally face the fear and make an appointment.

Last Friday, with hubby and little man in tow I went to see a doctor about lower abdomen/pelvic/lower back pain. After listening and some examination, the doctor recommended an ultrasound to rule out my fear...ovarian cancer. Any one who knows me and knows of my Mom's story, knows that she passed after an awful fight with this disease. Thankful I was finally going to get some answers and know what to do next I scheduled the ultrasound for Monday afternoon.

The weekend wait was not a fun one. My mind went the places I should not have let it go. I maintained a peace, but still thought about a lot of things, including my Mom's words, "I think my painting days are over." I thought about what could happen if I had to have a fight with cancer. What it would mean to my children and my husband. What it would mean to me.

What if I lost a battle with cancer?

Would those around me know how much I loved them?

Would my children have learned what I wanted them to learn from me?

What would my legacy look like?

Did I live the life I wanted to?

Did I face the fear and carve out the time to create?

Did I touch the lives of others with my gifts?

Would I have regrets?

Fast forward to Monday. I went to my appointment and set to waiting what I thought would be at least 2 days. Thankfully, I have a doctor that doesn't waste any time. She called to let me know that the ultrasound showed no cancer. I do have a cyst on my left ovary that is causing the discomfort and pain. It may or may not need to be dealt with by my doctor. It could just go away on it's own. The relief I felt after this call was nothing short of wonderful.

A scare can be a blessing sometimes. The questions I asked myself, I didn't like the answers to. I don't want to wait to make myself healthy, to show love, to teach my babies, to create a legacy, to live the life I want, fulfilling my creative dreams and touching the lives of others with my gifts. And when "my painting days are over" I hope I have no regrets.

Monday Musings...Messages...

At the top of my blog here you will see my favorite saying. It is by Erma Bombeck. "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me. "" I get the message that we should use our talents that God has gifted us, over and over and over again. It's like it is my calling to carry that message through. My blog, my creative endeavors and my business are being built on this.

I have known deep down for a very long time that I was meant to carry on my mother's creative legacy. Last fall, I was going through photos on a cd that my sister scanned for Mom's memorial service. I found these newspaper clippings featuring an "emerging artists" article from the Mesa, Arizona Sunday paper.

I'm pretty sure my mother agrees with my thoughts on Erma's quote and she wants to let me know this. Because if you look closely at the caption underneath her painting of lilacs it says:

"Lilacs" by Barbara Whitlock. Whitlock says talent should not be neglected. "If you have a talent, it is a gift from God. It is given to you for a reason, and it is a shame not to pursue your talents, no matter what they are." she says.

Pursuing my dreams, carrying on the legacy and using my talents...

Answering the call to create.

I held her hand 3 days before my Mama passed away. She had been battling ovarian cancer for a year. “I think my painting days are over.” She said. I had no response because what do you say to someone who will be leaving this world within days? Those words packed such a wallop for me.

 

Original acrylic mountain scene by Barbara Whitlock (my sweet Mama)

I’ve been holding myself back now for quite sometime. I just looked back in my blog posts and found several places that I have conveyed a longing to be an artist.

In March 2010 I wrote this:

I had a dream as a child and held it into my teen years. Somewhere along the way I lost it. I thought I wasn't good enough. I wanted to be an artist. We all know I love to create, but I feel like what I am creating at the moment is superficial and not from my heart. I don't know how I lost the dream. Maybe I didn't get enough positive reinforcement or somewhere along the way I just gave up. Since I lost Mom, I realize I want to return to the dream some 20 or so years later, but am unsure how. Fear grips me and I wonder if I have the courage. I watch my 7 year old create with wild abandon, not caring what others think and I encourage her everyday to continue on, for I know it feeds her soul. I know what it is like to lose that and I don't want her to do the same. She inspires me to step out and try and she has no idea that she does this. She is amazing.

Lately I have been very attracted to mixed media paintings. My love for paper and mod podge is longing to be combined with a little bit of paint and lettering on canvas or wood. I am sure this is God whispering to my soul and I have much to share. Still unsure how to proceed, but hopefully the block will move soon or I will have the strength and courage with God's help to move it myself and push forward.”

It is now May of 2013. Not much has changed on the creative front. The 7 year old is 10 and still creating with wild abandon. The 5 year old is almost 8 and is blossoming into quite an artist herself . And we’ve added a little 19 month boy into the busy mix. Everyday, I rush about. tending to my children, my husband, and my household duties. Everyday I push aside the deep longing to sit down and create something. Every night, I go to sleep knowing I didn’t start my journey to my dream. Time marches on and my mother’s words ring in my ears, “I think my painting days are over."

Original doodle by Lanie J. 

How can I teach my children to follow their dreams if I am not following mine? How can I honor my mother’s legacy if I don’t use the gift that she has passed down to me? How can I release myself from a cage of fear I have created if I don’t feel the fear and do it anyway? What if I don’t answer the call to my soul?

I really want to live Erma Bombeck’s quote:

Print by Lori McDonough of Whimsy Studios

I am positive this deep longing that I have is a call from God. He is going to keep nudging me and I will continue to be in pain (I have no other word to describe it) until I answer the call and use this gift to touch the lives of others. It’s time to open the door to the cage that I have created for myself. It is time to stop making excuses and make time to be what I truly want to be… an artist.

This post is part of a brave blogging link-up that's part of Liv Lane's How To Build a Blog You Truly Love ecourse. As a participant, I was challenged to step outside my comfort zone and share something with you that felt especially brave. You can see what others have written by clicking here. 

She would have...

She would have been 64 years old today.

She would have been off spending her annual gift card to the arts and crafts store to get more paint and canvases.

She would have loved to hear the memories that come flooding back as I raise my 9 year old daughter. How I recalled her spending an entire weekend studying over 500 spelling bee words so I could win the 4th grade spelling be and then go on to win the school spelling bee and represent my school in the district wide bee. I remembered this when I encouraged Katie to write her speech to run for Mrs. Stegent's 4th grade class representative. I want so badly for her to win, I can understand how Mom gave that time to me.

She would have grinned and said, "I remember too!" when I told her how my 7 year old wanted me to roll her hair in sponge curlers so she would have pretty curls for school today. More memories as I had her kneel in front of me watching t.v. with a cup of water to dip the comb in to dampen her hair.

She would have said, "I told you so!" when I told her how very right she was that the love for a little boy can totally overwhelm and knock your socks off and that girls are special and you will love them like no tomorrow, but there is just something about a boy. She would have loved her 1st and only grandson like nobody's business.

She would have tenderly brushed my tears away and said, "It's all gonna be okay Lanie." when I cried and told her there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of her and miss her so deeply.

She would have wanted me to smile, get busy, create and enjoy this precious life that I have been blessed with.

And so I will.

Happy birthday Mama...

Monday Musings... A space of my own

Part of my space.

This is my drawing table. I have been working to turn it into a place to channel creativity. Upon it you can find a black and white picture of my mother, a small print of a painting my mom did, a picture of my children, a rosary and added just last week, a beautiful orchid.

Habits can be hard to develop, but I realize the importance of some time to myself. It's just making myself do it. I am sure before long I will look forward to sitting at my table once I get in the groove of spending time there.

My mother, rest her soul, didn't take time to nourish herself as we were growing up. She worried a lot about my dad's wants and needs and about what us kids were doing, but she didn't take care of herself. She didn't eat right, she didn't rest when she needed to and she didn't spend time alone spiritually. At least not that I know of. Unfortunately, I have developed my mother's habits of worrying about everyone else but myself. It isn't her fault, she did what she knew and learned from her mom. I think it is time to make a generational change and do my best to save my daughters from the same attitudes.

It will start at this table.

Do you have a space of your own? Is it a corner, a table, or an entire room?

Why we need moms, sisters, girlfriends...

I had lunch with a friend today. T confided that her sister was recently diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I was so glad she shared. She brought to mind my mother and my relationship with my sister. And I thought of all the amazing friends I have. There are so many emotions involved in having a family member battle such a disease. We want to lift them up, encourage them, help them in their fight in anyway we can.

I remembered this video from a few years ago and wanted to post it for T and her sister.

will be praying for you all on this journey.

She stopped me in my tracks today...

Admittedly in the recent weeks, I have let the circumstances in my surroundings steal my joy. God chooses to bring messages in many different ways.

In the midst of running around today, to the school my 9 year olds recorder concert, to the Vitamin Shoppe, the dry cleaners, the drive through for lunch, I sat on the floor in my living room nursing my baby boy and turned on the mid morning news. The last story on the newscast was about a family choosing joy in the midst of grief.

A baby girl named Avery Canahuati stopped me in my tracks today. Here is a link to the story I saw. I sat nursing my perfectly healthy baby boy with tears pouring down my face. Avery's parents are beautiful, amazing people who are making a choice to make the very best of their baby's life for whatever time they have her with them here on earth.

At one point in the interview her mother says this... “Mike always told me we’ve got all the time in the world to cry,” said Laura. “We can cry, you know, when she’s no longer here. But for now we want to enjoy the time we do have with her and just make memories.” I know they are putting her story out there to raise awareness of spinal muscular atrophy, SMA Type 1. But the message they are sending in addition is a much, much bigger and powerful one. We can choose how we spend our days with our loved ones.

Life is so very precious and fleeting. In the final days I spent with my mom before she passed away I sat in the presence of a woman who had had her share of pain in her life, both physical and emotional and all of that falls away when you are left with precious little time with the people you love. My parents had been divorced 5 years before Mom died. Dad visited her a few days before my final visit. All the blame and pent up anger fell away in that visit and it seems as if the two of them put things to rest and all that remained was sweet, sweet love.

The Canahuatis realize what is important in the here and now is to love Avery like nobody's business. And they are doing it with all of their might. I took a lesson from them today and hugged each of my precious ones close, for I have taken them for granted. I'd like this beautiful family to know that I am sending prayers for Avery, their strength and peace on this journey they are on, and a hope that a cure may be found soon.

Please visit Avery's precious blog at Avery's Bucket List and like her page on Facebook. Help her parents spread the word about spinal muscular atrophy and learn a little about choosing joy at the same time.

Imagining a phone call to my Mama on her 63rd birthday...

Sweet Mama, today would be your 63rd birthday. If I could give you a birthday call, I imagine it would go something like this...

It would start with you picking up the phone and Katie and Nikki and I singing a rousing round of Happy Birthday with the extra cha, cha, cha! flourish at the end of each  sentence.

I would lament to you how hard this pregnancy has been on me emotionally and physically being 40 years old and how scared of a third c-section I am and you would comfort me, reminding me of how the doctors didn't want you to deliver my little sister because your life and maybe even hers could be lost in the process and you did it anyway. I would thank you for that because now I have Mika for a sister.

Then you would talk about how great little boys are and how much fun Justin was and how awesome it will be to hold little man in my arms and we would count our blessings. You always told me girls were wonderful, but there was something really special about a little boy.

I might cry a little when I tell you how much I wish you could be here with me to share in the first weeks with the baby, just as you did with Katie and Nikki. But I'd tell you, I think I am covered as far as help goes. Of course, they can never replace you.

I would tell you how great it would be to sit at the kitchen table and paint with you again. I have learned so much in the couple of years since you have been gone and I think we would finally launch that little art business we always talked about.

We would talk about how much the girls are growing and changing everyday. How talented artistically Katie is (she got it from you) or how witty Nikki can be. I would share with you my concerns about raising girls and you would share with me stories of Mika and myself when we were growing up and then tell me that raising a boy will be easier.

In general, I would tell you how much I really do miss you and love you and that there will forever be a hole in my heart that will never be replaced. Thank you once again for being my Mom, confidante and best friend over the years.


 

Happy Mother's Day!

Justin, Mom, Mika and I (circa 1977-1978)

Celebrating my Mom on Mother's Day. Thank you Mom for always being there for me, listening and giving me a boost when I needed one. Sometimes I can still hear you when I have a bad day. Thank you for the gift of my sister and brother, two of my favorite people in this world. Thank you for the gift of showing me strength in adversity. My new motto is... "I can do this! I am my mother's daughter after all!" I miss you so much!

Celebrating my own motherhood on Mother's Day. I have two beautiful daughters and a sweet little baby growing inside me. I am blessed beyond measure!

Happy Mother's Day!

Sharing some big huge news!

On January 19, 2011 I celebrated my 40th birthday.

On February 15th, 2011 I ordered my first bifocals (eek!)

On February 17th, 2011 I took a pregnancy test that turned out positive!!!!! (triple eek!)

My "babies" are now 8 and 5. We have been trying for about a year and I had finally decided that I was just fine with 2 children. My body was in pretty good shape for 40 and I had been planning a creative career with my extra time and energy. Well, so long extra time and energy! Our lives are about to be rocked and our family altered in such a beautiful way. The girls are thrilled with being big sisters. Especially my little Nikki.

I have felt stifled not blogging and so I decided I'll just share and move forward. I am looking forward to the creativity this little one will spur me on to!

I am missing Mama more than ever. I would give anything to call and share with her!

I am 9 weeks today and I saw Baby J's beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor this morning. While I know this is really early to be broadcasting it to the world, I also know that life is full of beginnings and endings and if God was to change the plans for this baby I would share it with you just as I shared the loss of my mother. Life is also full of celebration and I hope you will take this journey with me.

Have you seen Benjamin Button?

Holy cow! I rented this movie yesterday and finished watching it this afternoon. I was really touched by this movie. The similarities to my life are crazy ironic.

The movie opens with a woman spending time with her dying mother in a New Orleans hospital room. She is expressing her love to her mother and holding her hand. It made me remember the precious last moments with my sweet Mom.

The t.v. screen on the wall in the hospital room flashes to a hurricane approaching the coast. It is Hurricane Katrina. I was in the hospital in Houston having just gave birth to my second child when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.

In the movie, there is a 43 year old woman who gives birth. Makes me think just maybe I am not too old to have another child.

The story about life and death just really grabbed me. How very precious are the many (or few) moments we are given on this earth. Moments of joy and moments of heartache. I am again reminded of how truly blessed I am.

Some of the quotes in the movie that really stood out for me are:

Benjamin Button: Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss.

Benjamin Button: It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you.

Benjamin Button: For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it.

Mrs. Maple: Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

Benjamin Button: You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.

Benjamin Button: Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance.

Benjamin Button: It's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us.

Have you seen this movie? If so, what did you think? If not, I highly recommend it! :)

A "trashy" post... my Mom would have cried with me, then she would have dug in...

First, let me put a disclaimer on this post. I am well aware our recycling habits are not up to par. Please don't comment on them as that is not the point of this post. I also know that this picture is blurry because, let's face it I only took the time to take one quick picture. Trash is not very pretty subject matter! :)

The above picture is 2 bags of 4 day old trash dumped in a pile on my driveway. Why is it on my driveway you would ask? Well to make a long story short, I lost my beloved Mom's silver ring. I know you understand how very much this ring means to me if you read this post right here. She wore it nearly every day for 30 years and I have worn it nearly every day in the past year since I have received it. I, to say the least, was beside myself that it was missing.

After turning my house upside down on Saturday. I would not let my husband put the trash out at the curb until I went through it one last time. If I didn't I would always wonder if the trash was where the ring was. I put this smelly, gross job off for a couple of days because one - I was hoping the ring would show up before I had to do it, two - it's freaking cold outside, so I was waiting for the warmest part of the day (which happened to be 48 degrees) and three I had the sinking feeling it wasn't in there.

As I processed through all this. I began to picture my Mom with me and what she would say and do if she were here. Very simple, she would have hugged and commiserated with me, then she would have rolled up her sleeves and started digging. We would have had giggles at being reduced to looking for a ring in 4 day old trash. So I pictured Mom, watching me as I dug through this pile and I was okay with it. Okay with the trash and finally okay with the fact that the ring I cherished so much wasn't in that pile.

About 20 minutes after I finished my task, I met my daughters' bus. As Katie (my 7 year old) and I walked into the house I told her about my trash digging and that Nana's ring is still missing. Then I said, "But Nana left us so many gifts that cannot be lost." Without missing a beat, my wise one said...

"Love."

 

P.S. I'd like to thank my friend Chris publicly for loving me so much that she would offer to come over and dig through 4 day old trash with me (just like my Mama would have done). I love you my friend!

What a sweet and inspiring surprise for me!

(some of my work)

It is a typical Wednesday morning here. I hauled myself out of bed and to the coffee pot. Trying to wake to face another typical day in the life of a stay at home mom and homemaker. I usually spend a little time on the computer before I wake the girls and get moving. Upon checking my email for the blog, I found this gem...

Hi,
We at “Webdesignschoolsguide.com”, wanted to let you know that we featured your blog in one of our recent articles on our own blog. (40 Fantastic Calligraphy Blogs), is linked below and could be a fun way to share this announcement with your readers.


(http://www.webdesignschoolsguide.com/library/40-fantastic-calligraphy-blogs.html)


Either way, I hope you continue putting out great content through your blog. It has been a sincere pleasure to read.
 Thanks
Corinne 

I am #39!

I cannot tell you what an honor it is to be listed with some blogs/websites that I visit often to drool over  admire the beautiful calligraphy out there. The post that is linked in the list was written during my journey to remember my Mom and my childhood in the last year. I am positive Mom was smiling as I read this email this morning.

What a great way to start the day and a boost to encourage me not to give up my dreams of being an artist and inspiring others through art and my little corner of the blogosphere.

Thank you for letting me share with you!

The Journey Comes Full Circle...

Today, my little journey of remembrance comes full circle. One year ago today, I received the call from my sweet sister that Mom's ailing body had finally given up and a beautiful soul was released and set free. A little less than 24 hours after saying goodbye.

I'm sure some may think I tortured myself the past week or so, walking through my Mom's final days once again. But, it has been very cathartic. I appreciate the comments and I agree with those posting. Yesterday for instance, one person said how very heartbreaking my goodbye was to my mother and I agree 100%. Another person said how very beautiful my goodbye was and again, I agree 100%. Bittersweet and surreal. Walking back through it all, I realize I wouldn't change a thing. How fortunate I am not to have any regrets about those last days. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people lose loved ones in the blink of an eye, never getting the chance to say I love you, thank you, or you were the best. I did. And that makes me smile and brings me much comfort even today, one year later.

I realize now, having lost someone so close to me, how much I didn't understand about the loss of a friend, child, parent or any other loved one. I choose my words so much more wisely when someone tells me of a death in their family. I also realize, sometimes there are no words. Sometimes it is better to just cry the tears, hold the hands, sit in silence. Just be.

Speaking of just being, I have turned within in the past couple weeks. I am well, though many around me may think that I am falling apart. I have asked for space from friends that I previously talked to almost every day and appreciate that it has been given to me. Am I sad? Yes. But I also see the beauty of all of this. I have enjoyed the silence and reflection and will probably do a lot more of it, now that I know I can. Busyness and chaos is for the birds!

I wanted to post the memorial video from Mom's celebration of life service that my sister Mika put together, but she was unable to upload it to Youtube because of the length. So, I have shared it here on Lanie J. and Co.'s facebook page. I hope you will visit and watch it for a few minutes. It really shows who she was and how much she was loved. I will always cry when I watch it. I will forever miss and love her.

I also wanted to share again, this video that I posted on Mother's Day. It perfectly describes my life with my Mom and how I feel her close to me still. I know in my heart she is in a beautiful place, smiling down on all of us.

…and the mother grew old.

But her children were tall and strong.

And they walked with courage.

And when the way was rough, they lifted her

For she was as light as a feather.

And at last, they came to a hill

And beyond they could see a shining road.

And the golden gates were flung wide open.

And the mother said,

“I have reached the end of my journey,

and I know the end is better than the beginning.

For my children can walk alone,

and their children after them.

And the children said, “You will always be with us mother,

even when you have gone through the gates.”

And they stood and they watched her as she went on alone.

And the gates closed after her.

And they said,

“We cannot see her, but she is with us still.

A mother like ours is more than a memory,

she is a living presence.”

(from the video)

Mondays with Mom - Saying goodbye...

One year ago today....

Hospice was finally able to get my mother comfortable. She was sleeping most of the time. I knew we were drawing even closer to her leaving this body that had tormented her for a lifetime and even more so in the last year. I sat by the bed while she slept. I kept wondering what I would say if she woke up, but I realized I had already said all there was to say. I had thanked her for everything I could possibly thank her for and told her with words that could only convey maybe an iota of how much I loved her that she was the best mother ever. And so, I just held her hand. She was slipping away. She didn't look at all like the woman that raised me. She was beautiful though. Such a peace and acceptance of what was happening. I remember in those final days how she would look at me when I cried and tell me, "Don't cry Lanie, it's okay."

At a little after 3 o'clock that day. The airport shuttle came to pick me up. I can still see the scene and feel the emotion as I stood at the foot of her bed knowing I had to say goodbye for the last time. I walk toward the head of the bed, then back to the foot, then up to the head... pacing. My sister stood by and watched me struggle with myself. "I can't do this... yes, I can... no I can't..." Finally, when I knew I couldn't stay any longer. I walked up, kissed her forehead, squeezed her hand and said, "I love you Mama" one last time...

Blessings....

This post was actually written 6 days after my mother passed away. I find great comfort in this story...

"One friend calls them kisses, one calls them blue flowers (great story to go along with this one). Doesn't matter what you call them they are the little signs from God that He is watching over us.

Earlier this week, my mother's best friend of 33 years called me. She visited my Mom just 3 weeks before she passed. Her name is Susan. Susan told me that my Mom told her she only had 2 wishes before she died. One was to see my father one last time. (They have been divorced for about 5 years.) The other was to see her 3 kids together one last time, which she also added that she was sure she would not see this wish come true.

The day after Susan left, my Daddy arrived (wish #1 come true). He spent about 5 days with my Mom. They talked and were able to resolve a lot. In the end there was only sweet, sweet love between them. While Daddy was there, my brother in law gave my sister 2 dozen red roses for their anniversary. My Dad cut one and took it in a small vase with some water in to my Mom. Two weeks later I was visiting and the rose was still there in perfect condition. My sister's bouquets had long since wilted as well as an arrangement I had sent my Mom earlier in the week. The day my Mom passed, the rose was still in almost pristine condition - a true testiment to love. When the mortuary took my Mom, my sister laid the rose on her chest. A kiss, a blue flower, a blessing from God.

I arrived at my Mom's bedside 5 days before she passed. The day after I arrived wish #2 came true. My brother was at a funeral service in Vegas. Something in the service struck a chord with him and he told his wife he thought he needed to see Mom. They were already half way to Phoenix and without an overnight bag they showed up at my sister's. I told him we had been waiting for our missing link to arrive, but didn't want to pressure him. Words cannot express how wonderful it was to see my Mama's beautiful smile as her 3 grown children stood at the foot of her bed. A kiss, a blue flower, a blessing from God.

In the midst of all the heartache. These blessings are what I cling to. God has been here all along watching over us. I take great comfort in that! :)"

Surrender...

One year ago today...

"I am in Arizona now. The weather is gorgeous. We slept with the windows open last night.
On the plane ride on the way here last night, I was able to view God's amazing creation. We passed over the cold front that is headed for Houston today. So majestic watching big thunder clouds illuminated with lightning from above. Definitely not something you get the chance to see everyday and of course this "weather girl" absolutely loved it.

My Mama chose to stop her feeding source on Wednesday which has enabled her to get more comfort. She weakens by the moment and her grace and beauty in her surrender amaze me. I am sad, but I see God's hand moving and I lean on the fact he is holding us close at this time.

Hold your loved ones close, let go of the lies that the enemy wants us to believe, forgive. In the end there is only love. Time is a precious gift from God... don't squander it.

I so appreciate the continued prayers of friends and family."

Just Breathe...

One year ago today...

"It is time to really settle in and just breathe. I am going to visit my Mom tonight and coming back on Sunday. This will probably be our last visit. Please pray for Mom and my family.

Thank you Aamie for sending me this quote today...
A Christian is a person who, when getting to the end of his/her rope, ties a knot and determines to hang on, realizing that human extremity now becomes God's opportunity. -Unknown

Let God's grace see us all through these times."

One year ago today...

I received a phone call from my Mom. I was 3 weeks out from major jaw surgery and she had been in in-home Hospice care for four. Her only nourishment from a feeding tube. Her body frail and unable to keep down even water. She cried as she told me she couldn't go on anymore. She wanted to remove the feeding tube. (I found out later she had actually stopped the nourishment the previous day.) Could I please come? Worried about me more than herself, she wanted to wait till I felt up to the trip. Having booked tickets for 2 weeks later hoping to be further along in my healing process, I of course said the only thing I could... "yes". This was to be one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life. I was on the phone immediately and my tickets were exchanged so that I could fly out the very next day...

Hold My Heart...

One year ago today, I posted this on my other blog...


  Now I am about to go the way of all the earth.You know with all your heart and soul that not one of the good promisesthe Lord your God gave you has failed.Every promise has been fulfilled, not one has failed.~Joshua 23:14 This just shows how I clung to God's comfort in the days before my mother's passing.