Regrets...

Source

"I think my painting days are over." she said, holding my hand.

The words were not strong as her body was ailing. Looking back, it was only two days before she passed. Yes, I'm writing about Mom again.

I feel I must ask forgiveness that I am writing about this yet again, but seeing as how this past Saturday was what would have been her 66th birthday and we are approaching the date that will mark 5 years since her passing, she is heavy on my mind.

For several weeks I have not been feeling exactly up to par. I have had some dull pains that match the symptoms of my worst fear. Once the kiddos were back in school, I decided to finally face the fear and make an appointment.

Last Friday, with hubby and little man in tow I went to see a doctor about lower abdomen/pelvic/lower back pain. After listening and some examination, the doctor recommended an ultrasound to rule out my fear...ovarian cancer. Any one who knows me and knows of my Mom's story, knows that she passed after an awful fight with this disease. Thankful I was finally going to get some answers and know what to do next I scheduled the ultrasound for Monday afternoon.

The weekend wait was not a fun one. My mind went the places I should not have let it go. I maintained a peace, but still thought about a lot of things, including my Mom's words, "I think my painting days are over." I thought about what could happen if I had to have a fight with cancer. What it would mean to my children and my husband. What it would mean to me.

What if I lost a battle with cancer?

Would those around me know how much I loved them?

Would my children have learned what I wanted them to learn from me?

What would my legacy look like?

Did I live the life I wanted to?

Did I face the fear and carve out the time to create?

Did I touch the lives of others with my gifts?

Would I have regrets?

Fast forward to Monday. I went to my appointment and set to waiting what I thought would be at least 2 days. Thankfully, I have a doctor that doesn't waste any time. She called to let me know that the ultrasound showed no cancer. I do have a cyst on my left ovary that is causing the discomfort and pain. It may or may not need to be dealt with by my doctor. It could just go away on it's own. The relief I felt after this call was nothing short of wonderful.

A scare can be a blessing sometimes. The questions I asked myself, I didn't like the answers to. I don't want to wait to make myself healthy, to show love, to teach my babies, to create a legacy, to live the life I want, fulfilling my creative dreams and touching the lives of others with my gifts. And when "my painting days are over" I hope I have no regrets.

Monday musings.... Courage

Someone once told me that I should keep it real here on the blog. So here I am keeping it real. This is not a pity party post. No, it is merely me acknowledging the fact that I am petrified of failing. 

The Lanie J. and Co. Shop has been open for over a month now. I have not sold an item yet. I am slowly adding more and more too it. So when I posted a giveaway on my facebook fan page on a Saturday morning and all anyone has to do is like my page, comment on and share the post and as of Sunday evening, there are only three shares, it is hard not to throw in the towel. I know for a fact that the post has had over 200 views. Wrong audience? Maybe. It's okay though. It just makes me rethink the way I am going about things and remember that the point of my blog and doing art and having an Etsy shop is to teach my children to chase their dreams and not give up.

 Courage! 

I even confessed to my 10 year old how I am feeling and told her that I will not give up, I will keep doing what I enjoy. So, I am going to list the rest of my note cards that I currently have printed and head back to what I love. I have Christmas gifts to make. I'll share what I am doing here as I go. 

Leaving you with these wonderful words of wisdom...

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
~Steve Jobs 

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

~Mark Twain 

People who lack the clarity, courage, or determination to follow their own dreams will often find ways to discourage yours. Live your truth and don't EVER stop! 
~Steve Maraboli

Love what you do and do what you love. Don't listen to anyone else who tells you not to do it. You do what you want, what you love. Imagination should be the center of your life.
~Ray Bradbury

Happy Monday!

Ahhh, the lovely F word sneaks back in....

Let your dreams be bigger than your fears Framed Decor (InkedBees on Etsy)

FEAR! It sneaks up when you finally take the leap into what your heart calls you to do. Hence begins the battle of the little whispers. The good whisper that says, "You can do this! Go for it! Chase the dream!" The not so great whisper that says, "Why try? What's the point? No one is going to like what you do. Just quit!" 

I did it. I created a whole original alphabet doodled and finished. I've started listing again in the Lanie J. and Co. Shop and it feels good! It feels good to listen to the good whisper. But the not so good one, the one I can only label as fear is still working to hold me back. But I will persevere.

Printable Let Your Faith be Bigger Than Your Fear 8x10 poster (cardvarkdesigns on Etsy) 

I will let my faith be bigger than my fear. Faith that I am meant to keep creating beautiful things. Not just to bring joy to others, but to carry on my mother's artistic legacy. To feed my soul. To teach my children to follow their dreams. Not by my words, but by my actions. 

8x10 Graphic Design Typography Print - "I am not afraid. I was born to do this." (splendidandsound on Etsy) 

I will keep listening to the good whisper that resonates deep in my soul. The whisper I am sure is God calling me to continue. The one that says, "Do not be afraid! You were born to do this!" 

What voice will you choose to listen too today? 

Oh Sully! A fantastic children's book in the making...

Stopping in tonight to help promote a friend's project. Kevin Gard is my sister's brother-in-law. I love the story of Sully and I love the beautiful illustrations.

View the video and stop in to support the project if you are so inclined.

Monday Musings... Just what is it I am striving for?

I thought about apologizing for this post up front, but really, there is no need. I am going to share some deep thoughts that have been on my mind through the past couple of weeks.

I believe something very profound happens within us when someone very close to us dies. For me, it has caused me to examine the way I live my life a little more closely. Just what is it I am striving for? For a long while, it has been perfectionism, acceptance, admiration. But lately... lately, I just want peace and love. Peace and love for myself and those around me. For my husband, my daughters, my Dad, my sister and all my other family members as well as my sweet friends.

See that little quote I put in the header of my blog? Those are my words... "Using God Given Talent to Create a Life Imagined". I still don't feel as if I am really doing that. I am in search of something elusive at the moment. What is my talent really? My soul yearns for something more. It is not like I am not satisfied with my life in general. In general, it is truely blessed. I have a hardworking husband that provides for our family so that I can stay home and be here for our children. I have beautiful daughters who fill my life with love and light.

I had a dream as a child and held it into my teen years. Somewhere along the way I lost it. I thought I wasn't good enough. I wanted to be an artist. We all know I love to create, but I feel like what I am creating at the moment is superficial and not from my heart. I don't know how I lost the dream. Maybe I didn't get enough positive reinforcement or somewhere along the way I just gave up. Since I lost Mom, I realize I want to return to the dream some 20 years later, but am unsure how. Fear grips me and I wonder if I have the courage. I watch my 7 year old create with wild abandon, not caring what others think and I encourage her everyday to continue on, for I know it feeds her soul. I know what it is like to lose that and I don't want her to do the same. She inspires me to step out and try and she has no idea that she does this. She is amazing.

Lately I have been very attracted to mixed media paintings. My love for paper and mod podge is longing to be combined with a little bit of paint and lettering on canvas or wood. I am sure this is God whispering to my soul and I have much to share. Still unsure how to proceed, but hopefully the block will move soon or I will have the strength and courage with God's help to move it myself and push forward.

Monday Musings... Dreams

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;

remember that what you now have

was once among the things you only hoped for.”

~Epicurus

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.”

~Goethe

“Dreams are like the paints of a great artist.

Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas.

Believing, is the brush that converts

your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.”

~Author Unknown

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

~C.S. Lewis

“All men dream: but not equally.

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds

wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men,

for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”

~T.E. Lawrence

What are your dreams today?