"I think my painting days are over." she said, holding my hand.
The words were not strong as her body was ailing. Looking back, it was only two days before she passed. Yes, I'm writing about Mom again.
I feel I must ask forgiveness that I am writing about this yet again, but seeing as how this past Saturday was what would have been her 66th birthday and we are approaching the date that will mark 5 years since her passing, she is heavy on my mind.
For several weeks I have not been feeling exactly up to par. I have had some dull pains that match the symptoms of my worst fear. Once the kiddos were back in school, I decided to finally face the fear and make an appointment.
Last Friday, with hubby and little man in tow I went to see a doctor about lower abdomen/pelvic/lower back pain. After listening and some examination, the doctor recommended an ultrasound to rule out my fear...ovarian cancer. Any one who knows me and knows of my Mom's story, knows that she passed after an awful fight with this disease. Thankful I was finally going to get some answers and know what to do next I scheduled the ultrasound for Monday afternoon.
The weekend wait was not a fun one. My mind went the places I should not have let it go. I maintained a peace, but still thought about a lot of things, including my Mom's words, "I think my painting days are over." I thought about what could happen if I had to have a fight with cancer. What it would mean to my children and my husband. What it would mean to me.
What if I lost a battle with cancer?
Would those around me know how much I loved them?
Would my children have learned what I wanted them to learn from me?
What would my legacy look like?
Did I live the life I wanted to?
Did I face the fear and carve out the time to create?
Did I touch the lives of others with my gifts?
Would I have regrets?
Fast forward to Monday. I went to my appointment and set to waiting what I thought would be at least 2 days. Thankfully, I have a doctor that doesn't waste any time. She called to let me know that the ultrasound showed no cancer. I do have a cyst on my left ovary that is causing the discomfort and pain. It may or may not need to be dealt with by my doctor. It could just go away on it's own. The relief I felt after this call was nothing short of wonderful.
A scare can be a blessing sometimes. The questions I asked myself, I didn't like the answers to. I don't want to wait to make myself healthy, to show love, to teach my babies, to create a legacy, to live the life I want, fulfilling my creative dreams and touching the lives of others with my gifts. And when "my painting days are over" I hope I have no regrets.
